There’s a theory that the very act of living generates toxic waste that builds up in the body until specific measures are taken to flush the system. Indeed, there’s a whole industry around supposed detox solutions.
Personally, I think this is crap. In normal conditions, the body is perfectly capable of cleaning up after itself. The mind, on the other hand, is a different matter. Unlike the body, which is constantly renewing itself, the brain’s main task is to store.
This makes the mind very susceptible to psychic poisons that can negatively impact the brain’s most human of functions, the projection of self. Even with constant vigilance, the mind can enter a downward spiral, manifesting itself in depression or other potentially fatal disorders.
Luckily the mind can be detoxed effectively, often without the physical intervention of pharmaceuticals, through simple introspection. When that fails, additional memetic therapy can be applied by receiving good advice from a professional or well-chosen confidant.
The tricky thing about mental poisons is that they often go undetected until after the fact. It’s like an alien parasite. You can tell something’s going on, but you have no idea what’s inside you until it’s removed — preferably premortem!
Such was the case last week, when I was reduced to a sniveling mass by the pressure of the previous several months. Puzzllotto was receiving poor reviews, inaccurate and hurtful assumptions were being made about myself and my company, and I was increasingly being labeled a self-important charlatan.
I was ready to throw in the towel. I began looking for job openings and planning how I was going to break the news that clearly I was terrible at all of this and that I needed to go away, maybe for good.
Contemplating career suicide
When people talk about “career suicide,” they usually mean something that is not going to work as the receiver expects. This was career suicide in a more literal sense, as if Thanatos had a cousin who wore a suit and carried a briefcase.
Being no stranger to thoughts of suicide, I knew I needed to talk to someone who I could respect, but who would not just tell me what I wanted to hear. I needed to talk to someone who would deal me the straight dope, the Cecil Adams of the Appleverse. I needed John Gruber.
John smacked me across the face like a hysterical woman. Once he had my attention, he suggested I work on keeping an even keel, not getting too high from success, nor getting too low from failure. He suggested I take inspiration from Obama, maybe take the day off and listen to some speeches.
Then my mom called. You might imagine I don’t get along all that well with my mother, and you’d be right. We’re cordial enough, but we don’t really talk about anything meaningful. It was time for that to change. I told her about my work, and about my next project, a game that would literally change the course of history.
Then we talked about Obama. I told her that I felt Americans were living in the Matrix, working long hours, eating pablum, and dying useless for having fed the parasitic machine draining the lifeblood of a withering planet.
I told her that Obama was the first president in my lifetime I could look to for inspiration. I told her about seeing people like myself get involved in the politcal process for the first time. I told her about getting to know the truth about money, the economy, and consumption.
I told her I saw a light at the end of the tunnel, where the boom-bust cycles of exploitative capitalism gave way the steady, sustainable happiness of altruistic capitalism.
Then she got biblical, which was her undoing. No one can quote scripture like an atheist. Without getting into the full multi-hour explanation, I showed her that McCain fits the description of the antichrist much better than Obama.
Finally it came down to abortion and gay marriage. I explained that first, understand that Roe v. Wade is not a case about abortion, but about the federal government’s ability to enforce the Constitution at the state level. Most laws are like this — their issues are far more complicated than will fit on a sign.
Still, it brings up a greater issue. It is not your job to govern other people’s morality. The Bible is explicitly clear on this subject. Not only does it repeatedly warn against judging others, it also makes clear that vengeance is the exclusive prerogative of God.
You are being controlled, I told her, by people telling you how to think, how to feel, and how to act. Use your God-given mind to make your own decisions. Read “Audacity of Hope” and hear Obama’s words from his own mouth, not from Fox News or Rush Limbaugh.
Whether you see Obama as the embodiment of Hope, or the ultimate Islamist plot, you have to agree that this election is important enough to take the time to read the book and decide for yourself if you want a $150,000 drinking buddy or a leader who can inspire this nation to greatness.
The alien parasite emerges
Explaining everything I believed in and was working toward energized me and gave me focus. With a pure signal re-established, I was able to see the poison and analyze its process. Then I could give the situation an honest assessment and come up with a plan for success. In other words, I was able to do my job and lead my team, which is the surest way to contentment.
When people hear I’m the world’s toughest programmer, they think I’m asking them to step outside. Toughness is often accompanied by meanness, but they’re not the same thing. I’m tough like an old boot, able to take all manner of abuse and somehow survive. It’s not a skill I’ve earned, but a talent I was born with, so I claim the title not as an act of braggadocio, but as a simple statement of fact.
When I pulled Laertes’ knife from where it had lodged beneath my shoulder blade, I dismissed the wound as a scratch. Little did I know that like a Komodo dragon’s bite, the sinister infection would take hold over time. The body’s overreaction takes over, causing much of the damage.
The poison was a meme — you don’t get credit for any of this. Once the meme took hold, inflammation set in, and I started responding to trolls instead of simply deleting them as I know I should. The result was an increasingly defensive posture reflected best of all in this blog.
Having ceased to talk about anything but myself and my accomplishments, people began dismissing me as self-possessed, which lead to them dismissing my work. When my work starts to suffer, I take corrective action. In this case, I decided to temper my ego by taking criticism very seriously.
Here is a recipe for disaster: have an empath actively seek out and seriously consider any and all criticism — right before launching a puzzle game that is going to make a lot of people very angry.
After flushing out the negativity, recharging the batteries, and getting shields back up, I was able to see Puzzllotto for what it was — a very good game for a very small market. This is why we beta tested Fundware with our own project. Now we know Fundware, more than anything, must have mass appeal.
We should have made American Pie, but instead we made Twin Peaks. It might only appeal to a small market, but we still have to go after that market. We have a genuinely challenging puzzle that could make someone a lot of money. That is still a damned good story.
And here’s the thing about puzzles — a really good puzzle is like Magic Eye. The answer is staring you in the face the whole time. It’s not a matter of concentrating until you get pissed off. It’s a matter of relaxing your mind and seeing the pattern behind things. Only then can you make the necessary intuitive leaps to see what’s been there the whole time.
Throw in the fact we’re planning a massive gameplay upgrade — don’t worry, classic mode will still be there — and you really do have a product with mass appeal. The negative reviews are really just proof the puzzle is harder than Chuck Norris. If the puzzle were easy and the prize were small, the story would be so much worse.
Even if Puzzllotto ends up losing money, assuming we’re still able to pay our rent, it’s still out there building our name. And our next project is just balls. All the magic of Puzzllotto was in a narrow vertical and a story about what we want to do. Our next project will have mass appeal and a story about what we are doing. The revolution starts slowly, but as it picks up steam, it gets really awesome really quickly.
So thank you all for bearing with me as I’ve gone through this dramatic transition, but most of all thanks to John Gruber, the best critic a guy could have.
Addenda 
Steven Fisher
Wow, there’s a number of things in here I want to comment on.
First of all, I’ve found myself over the last month repeatedly telling people what you’ve just said. It all boils down to “judging people -- and especially marginalizing those people based on those judgements -- is bad.” I’m a Christian, so I hope you don’t have the impression that we all think Obama is the anti-Christ.
I think there’s a real danger to introspection, though. It can quickly become brooding. Going over things with someone you trust sounds like a much better approach. In the right frame of mind, the poison separates from the nourishment. Learn to separate the poison as you find it, and you’ll soon be purging small bits of it from minute to minute.
Finally, I’d love to try Puzzllotto. I hope the contest ends soon -- I really wasn’t expecting the decision to go US only, and to be locked out of playing as well as competing. Although I definitely see why you’d do that, it would be awkward to have the rest of the world working cooperatively to solve the problem while the US competed.
Wow, there’s a number of things in here I want to comment on.
First of all, I’ve found myself over the last month repeatedly telling people what you’ve just said. It all boils down to “judging people -- and especially marginalizing those people based on those judgements -- is bad.” I’m a Christian, so I hope you don’t have the impression that we all think Obama is the anti-Christ.
I think there’s a real danger to introspection, though. It can quickly become brooding. Going over things with someone you trust sounds like a much better approach. In the right frame of mind, the poison separates from the nourishment. Learn to separate the poison as you find it, and you’ll soon be purging small bits of it from minute to minute.
Finally, I’d love to try Puzzllotto. I hope the contest ends soon -- I really wasn’t expecting the decision to go US only, and to be locked out of playing as well as competing. Although I definitely see why you’d do that, it would be awkward to have the rest of the world working cooperatively to solve the problem while the US competed.
Random Lemur
I agree there might be a disconnect between the average iPhone user and the tkind of people that might enjoy Puzzlotto. The connection between readers of this blog and Puzzlotto is probably much better, which can be misleading.
FWIW: I enjoy Puzzlotto, I wish I had time to ‘waste’ on it, but I only made it to the 4th level so far (when no more ‘continue’ button is shown...) and have not tried yet to figure out what’s next.
I agree there might be a disconnect between the average iPhone user and the tkind of people that might enjoy Puzzlotto. The connection between readers of this blog and Puzzlotto is probably much better, which can be misleading.
FWIW: I enjoy Puzzlotto, I wish I had time to ‘waste’ on it, but I only made it to the 4th level so far (when no more ‘continue’ button is shown...) and have not tried yet to figure out what’s next.
Raavi
Hang in there Mike. I haven’t heard anything negative about Puzzllotto (maybe I just don’t frequent the troll hangouts), and I’m itching to get my hands on it when it finally goes international.
One thing I can say, and I hope this is received as earnest feedback as it’s intended, perhaps you would have benefitted from launching Puzzllotto worldwide with only a Trophy as the prize - I don’t think the cash is actually a motivator, what people (I guess I can’t speak for everyone, but I’m surely not in a minority of one) relish is the challenge and the chance to be first to figure it all out... it’s the glory not the capital windfall!
I know that the legalities of offering the ‘lotto’ portion of Puzzllotto made it impossible to launch outside the U.S - but it also takes away the opportunity of your (probably sizeable) international audience to compete to complete the game.
Hang in there Mike. I haven’t heard anything negative about Puzzllotto (maybe I just don’t frequent the troll hangouts), and I’m itching to get my hands on it when it finally goes international.
One thing I can say, and I hope this is received as earnest feedback as it’s intended, perhaps you would have benefitted from launching Puzzllotto worldwide with only a Trophy as the prize - I don’t think the cash is actually a motivator, what people (I guess I can’t speak for everyone, but I’m surely not in a minority of one) relish is the challenge and the chance to be first to figure it all out... it’s the glory not the capital windfall!
I know that the legalities of offering the ‘lotto’ portion of Puzzllotto made it impossible to launch outside the U.S - but it also takes away the opportunity of your (probably sizeable) international audience to compete to complete the game.
Jake
I’ve been thinking about this all day, and I’m still not sure how I want to react to this, but one thing I keep coming back to. In this blog you launch into grandiose tangents about *Changing The World!* and such things... but , well, how do I put this gently... you’re making fucking games for a god-damn iPhone. Seriously, I’m not equating the two.
Few people you know can relate to your moodiness and self-questioning like I can, I remember a conversation we had years ago about the “comfort of being sad.” But look, you’re making games for iPhone, great, but please stop with this nonsense of trying to wrap that around this higher-order stuff. There’s nothing wrong with whoring your skill-set out to make money, then turning around and doing what you Really want to do in your free time. That’s how most of us live, and I’m not saying its ideal, but it works. It’s how I’ve managed to make peace with myself, and if it can staunch the flow of self-destruction for me, it sure as hell can for you. If those “other things” involve trying to save everyone from themselves, more power to you.
I keep giving you the benefit of the doubt because I always really appreciated your company, but this is just not congruous behavior. I keep thinking there must be something here I’m missing, but I haven’t found it [from reading this blog]. So at the end of the day I’m utterly confused and worried about your mental health.
I’ve been thinking about this all day, and I’m still not sure how I want to react to this, but one thing I keep coming back to. In this blog you launch into grandiose tangents about *Changing The World!* and such things... but , well, how do I put this gently... you’re making fucking games for a god-damn iPhone. Seriously, I’m not equating the two.
Few people you know can relate to your moodiness and self-questioning like I can, I remember a conversation we had years ago about the “comfort of being sad.” But look, you’re making games for iPhone, great, but please stop with this nonsense of trying to wrap that around this higher-order stuff. There’s nothing wrong with whoring your skill-set out to make money, then turning around and doing what you Really want to do in your free time. That’s how most of us live, and I’m not saying its ideal, but it works. It’s how I’ve managed to make peace with myself, and if it can staunch the flow of self-destruction for me, it sure as hell can for you. If those “other things” involve trying to save everyone from themselves, more power to you.
I keep giving you the benefit of the doubt because I always really appreciated your company, but this is just not congruous behavior. I keep thinking there must be something here I’m missing, but I haven’t found it [from reading this blog]. So at the end of the day I’m utterly confused and worried about your mental health.
Raavi
Jake, I’m pretty sure the grandiose higher order stuff he is referring to includes:
the fact that a percentage of the sales goes towards a charity that can have a geniune impact on saving both wildlife and wilderness,
the interaction between United Lemur and Fundware which is a new way of ethically financing iPhone and Mac app development
and lastly, the work he did on the Obama app, which will definitely have an impact on the world depending on who wins office in the coming week
I think those things indicate that he is managing to find creative ways to whore-out his skill-set on what he really wants to do - without necessarily having to do anything else in his spare time...
I think the solutions he’s been coming up with to get his skillset to mesh with his personal values have been both novel and admirable. I don’t want to sound like the Motherfucker Fan Club here, but I’m just glad to see someone trying to mold the way they work into a positive model for ‘good’ with impacts beyond their own immediate wallet and/or cubicle.
Jake, I’m pretty sure the grandiose higher order stuff he is referring to includes:
the fact that a percentage of the sales goes towards a charity that can have a geniune impact on saving both wildlife and wilderness,
the interaction between United Lemur and Fundware which is a new way of ethically financing iPhone and Mac app development
and lastly, the work he did on the Obama app, which will definitely have an impact on the world depending on who wins office in the coming week
I think those things indicate that he is managing to find creative ways to whore-out his skill-set on what he really wants to do - without necessarily having to do anything else in his spare time...
I think the solutions he’s been coming up with to get his skillset to mesh with his personal values have been both novel and admirable. I don’t want to sound like the Motherfucker Fan Club here, but I’m just glad to see someone trying to mold the way they work into a positive model for ‘good’ with impacts beyond their own immediate wallet and/or cubicle.
Raavi
Another good way to ensure Puzzllotto doesn’t lose money would be to update the Puzzllotto, Fundware, and United Lemur Twitter feed!
Let people know that the “judges have finished verifying” and that the prize has been awarded and most importantly tell everyone that the game has been updated and is now available internationally.
The only place this news is mentioned is buried in the United Lemur Blog.
I would have thought the Twitter feed and the Puzzllotto site itself would have been better places to advertise, publicise and (urgh) monetize!
Another good way to ensure Puzzllotto doesn’t lose money would be to update the Puzzllotto, Fundware, and United Lemur Twitter feed!
Let people know that the “judges have finished verifying” and that the prize has been awarded and most importantly tell everyone that the game has been updated and is now available internationally.
The only place this news is mentioned is buried in the United Lemur Blog.
I would have thought the Twitter feed and the Puzzllotto site itself would have been better places to advertise, publicise and (urgh) monetize!
Mike Lee
You took my name!!!
You took my name!!!
This was career suicide in a more literal sense, as if Thanatos had a cousin who wore a suit and carried a briefcase.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Butterflies
