Lucas is not the kind of person I would have chosen as a friend. He’s far too normal, far too even-tempered, far too sane. He doesn’t whine about his childhood or bemoan his broken heart. He’s never read a book by Milan Kundera, or watched a movie by Akira Kurosawa. He’s not beset by crippling social phobias or run ragged by the roller coaster of manic depression.
Our acquaintance is not the consequence of will, but of coincidence and happenstance. That we should show up in the same place at the same time during the dawn of Delicious Monster 2.0 was nothing but pure, dumb luck. That we should be thrown together by its slow collapse was nothing but a default conclusion.
His departure marks the end of an era.
It’s not that we’re losing a brilliant engineer and our personification of youth and handsomeness, though certainly this detriment is undeniable. The loss I feel so keenly is built from the intangible.
This coffee shop is going to be a little lonelier. The lights are going to be a little dimmer, the temperature a little lower, the music a little crappier. His laughter, his wry smile, sometimes just the mere fact of his presence has made this place bearable.
I would often joke that Wil is half the company, and that Lucas and I are a quarter each. The truth is, though, given the nature of the beast, Wil is all of the company. Lucas is all of the company, and I guess, I too am all of the company. With Lucas’ departure, Delicious Monster is dead.
Oh, Delicious Monster lives on, don’t get me wrong. Sure, it’s smaller and knows a lot less about Core Animation and the iPhone, but we’ll figure it out. Lucas and I are done with our contributions to Delicious Library 2. I’ll take over the beta program, deal with localization, and life will go on.
At 11:59 p.m., December 31, 2007, there will be a company called Delicious Monster. At 12:00 a.m., January 1, 2008, there will be a company called Delicious Monster. Nothing will change in that infinitesimal moment between one life and the next, except everything.
Still, one thing worries me.
I look back on the past year and I realize that in every key moment, there’s Lucas. Moreover, I realize that had he not been there, my life right now would be very different. Not to put too fine a point on it, I never would have made it without Lucas. He’s been my support structure, my sounding board, and my reality check. He’s been my greatest ally and my harshest critic.
The fact I have this blog and am, in my own little way, a part of the development community and not merely some character in Wil’s blog is a direct result of a conversation I had with Lucas, just as it was Lucas who told me I had lost my way and was driving full-speed toward the cliff of insincerity. Every time, publicly and privately, I’ve stepped back and said, “you know what? Nevermind. I’m being a dick.” That was Lucas.
With the prospect of a big, Lucas-shaped hole in my life, I try to imagine this past year without Lucas. I try to go back, like Jack at the end of “Fight Club,” and remember everything differently. Me kicking my own ass. Me burning my own hand with lye. Me stealing my own girlfriend. And you know what? It doesn’t work.
What worries me is looking back on this past year and realizing I never could have done it without Lucas. I came to Delicious Monster seeking a mentor, but what I got was a peer, and it turns out, having a peer is pretty awesome. Having a peer means being able to show someone something you’ve done that’s cool and have them understand why it’s cool
People love to talk about love. They love to misquote 1 Corinthians: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves.”
Which is to say that love is imaginary. Love is some kind of platonic ideal that doesn’t exist in this world, because the human emotion we call love is hot and short. It leads to divorce, to murder, to suicide, and to selfishness. Oh, but that’s not true love, they say. Maybe not, but it’s certainly real love. The truest thing I’ve ever heard about love is that, in any relationship, one person always loves the other more.
On the other hand, a peer relationship is a reciprocal relationship. It’s having someone to teach things to, but also to learn things from. It’s having someone to show things to, but also having someone to show you things. It’s understanding and being understood. It’s being equal in your inequality, and being enriched by your differences.
Lucas is not the kind of person I would have chosen as a friend, yet he is my friend, my best friend. I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do without him.
The last ride of the bad boys of computer science, as captured by my wife, Mary Brunson.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Lucas
